I just asked a man the question, “If you had three wishes, what would they be?” His response was: (1) “Peace for the rest of my life” – Okay, vague answer but fine if you’re just responding with the first thing that comes to mind. (2) “Peace in the world” – Okay, generic answer but fine if you’re running for Miss America. And number (3) “My coffee made for me every morning with the paper brought to me.” Excuse me? Yeah, you are going to need a genie for that shit. Or your dog better know how to work a french press. Yes, I know it’s a simple request; one…

Can’t do that. If you don’t know the drill, that doesn’t happen here. Okay then, so you at least want to know if it rhymes with a male body part? No, it doesn’t…but it does rhyme with an illegal substance. Have any guesses? Reed? Jack? Scott? Rextasy was guess. How about Meroine? Then there was my favorite…Locaine. If you wanna hang out you’ve got to take her out; Locaine. If you wanna get down, down on the ground; Locaine. She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; Locaine. (BTW, it was correct in my phone. Hoorah!) — Ballyhoo Backcaster

It’s a standard morning. Alarm sounds. Hit snooze. Hit snooze again. Shower. Shampoo. Make coffee. Turn on computer to dilly dally before heading into the office. Open email. Scan. Google Alerts. Rachel Ray Newsletter. Name I don’t recognize. Eddie Bauer Summer Sale. Hold on. Scroll back. Mother of all things good…I have his name. Hallelujah! I have his name! I HAVE HIS NAME! Holy shit. I HAVE HIS NAME. You’d think I’d just won the lottery by the way I’m jumping around. Glory is beaming from every pore. Diligence pays off. Thank goodness it wasn’t BigDaddyCrunkDawg1234@hotyahmail.com like I thought it was going to be. Besides being unhelpful, that would’ve also…

My travels are approaching and I’m no closer to knowing his name. My options are narrowing. Balance is now key. How do I proceed in this mission and employ data retrieval techniques without appearing like a sure thing? Regardless if I am or not (please ignore the devilish chuckle), one must demonstrate an air of appropriate behavior that matches that of a fine, respectable young Christian woman. Why? No good reason really. Except for the Asian upbringing that creates a need for a very controlled public appearance (think Myanmar, China, North Korea). Plus, I don’t know if I want to be the one to blow up the illusion of how…

The week has been lovely. Summer has finally arrived. Each day has begun under feather-weight cotton sheets softly resting upon me. As the sun rises, it’s light caresses the corners of my bedroom. The birds awake and sing their sweet songs of morning. Dreams linger as I drift up to the surface of consciousness. Then… BAM! My body rips upright. Possessed eyes bug out. My racing heart clangs against a frenetic breathing pattern. My thoughts race… “What if said boy doesn’t own that phone number anymore? What if I’m coordinating a meeting with a complete stranger? The stranger knows my phone number. He knows my name. He knows when I’m…